Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
