So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
