my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
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She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
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See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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