cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
