So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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