Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
