I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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