textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
