Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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