I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
