You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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