Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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