I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
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I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize