This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
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You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
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I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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