Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
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i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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