She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
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We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
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The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
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