I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
