enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
