I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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