my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
