does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
