The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
