im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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