I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
