I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
