So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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