my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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