I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
