I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize