if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
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Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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