I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
