I intend to get homeless drunk
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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