why didn't you poke me back
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
