i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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