My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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