the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
