the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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