I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
