Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
