What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
