I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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