He uses pillows to masturbate.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize