I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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