I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
