adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
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I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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