Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
