I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
