In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
