On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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