Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
