I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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