how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
