ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
