she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
